A Sad Good-bye to Corkie

Corkie Sue Ann Lancaster Smith

May 16, 1992-August 22, 2011

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

Our first picture together. I was 11 years old! She was the cutest thing I had ever seen!

Visiting Corkie (and mom, too) when they lived in Colorado, my junior year in college. She loved to be in the highest possible place.

Corkie when she lived in Patrick's apartment, my senior year in college (with Riley a stray cat we looked after a few months).

Right after Patrick & I got married in our apartment in Little Rock, 2002.

Graduation day from UAMS graduate school, 2004.

Corkie & Whiskey loved sleeping by each other (Okay, Whiskey loved it & Corkie tolerated it). This was around 2004 when we moved into our house. Notice Corkie licking her lips like she is about to eat Whiskey.

This was my life before children. Saturday lounging on the couch watching movies with my furry babies.

Our family of 4 before it became a family of 6 (I was about 10 weeks pregnant here). Corkie wearing her jacket because she was cold-natured in her later years.

Lexa sleeping with Corkie, July 2009.

When Corkie still made her way around the kitchen to lick up scraps.

Corkie's last picture, Memorial Day weekend 2011.

Monday, August 22nd was the hardest day of my life. Up to that point I would have said the day I was discharged from the hospital & had to return home leaving Geneva & Lexa in the NICU was the hardest but at least I knew they were growing & thriving & would eventually come home in a few weeks. Unfortunately on Monday I found out Corkie would not get that chance. Her 19-year old mind & body had given out & she passed away. I know most people would argue that she was just a dog but to me she was more than just a dog, she was my best friend, my constant companion, & there for every chapter of my life since I was 11 years old. She was there for my first day of junior high school, my first day of high school, my first date, my prom, the day I left for college, the day I got married, my first day of graduate school, my first day of work, the day I bought my first house, the weeks I went through fertility treatments, the day I came home from the hospital without my babies, the day the babies came home. I could go on & on. The point was she was always there. Even in her final 3 years which were not optimal-- deafness, near blindness, arthritis, sleeping 22 hours a day, I knew she was there. She relied on me & her brown eyes were there to greet me every time I walked through the door. Over the past week as her body gave out & she became increasingly more uncomfortable & anxious, she was telling me in her own way that it was time to go. It was a heartbreaking decision to make Monday morning & holding her in the vet's office & telling her goodbye (yes, she may have been deaf but I know she heard me) was harder than I can describe. What was worse was when the vet took her away wrapped in a pink blanket. I know on an intellectual level that it was the right thing to do but you can't tell my heart that. The past few days have felt like a dream. Every time I dose off & wake back up, I think she is going to be in her bed. I hate walking through the bedroom & seeing the empty corner where she once slept. I think the saddest part is I just don't want to forget her. I don't want her to become a distant memory. So I am going to try & summarize the best memories.

---The day I picked her out: I had begged my mom for years for a puppy. One day she came home from work & said there was an ad in the paper for $55 cockapoo puppies (3/4 poodle, 1/4 cocker spaniel). She said we were only going to LOOK (yeah right). Who could resist that cute furball? I begged & my mom caved in. I quickly realized in the backseat of the car what a huge responsibility I had gotten myself into. My mom dropped us off & headed to the store to buy food & dog necessities as we were not prepared to bring her home. I vowed I would be the best owner I could be.

---It was a couple of days before I decided on a name. I thought about "snowball" but it just wasn't clicking. Someone suggested that I think about TV show characters. My mom's friend had a dog named Murphy from Murphy Brown (remember this was 1992) so I decided Corky was a good name, Murphy's friend. Instead of spelling it "Corky", my mom suggested "Corkie" so it would be similar to mine.

--My mom told me that Corkie must sleep in the cardboard box she had made for her, NOT in my bed. She warned me that the first couple of nights would be hard, that Corkie would miss her mom, Puddin & whimper but under no circumstances was she allowed in the bed. Well that didn't last an hour. Corkie was my bed partner for many years. Even when she became arthritic, Patrick built her a ramp so she could go up & down off the bed. Only in the last 3 years had she used a dog bed.

---My mom made it very clear that Corkie was mine so when I went to my dad's on the weekends, Corkie went with me. I swear that dog knew when it was Friday. She would dance & twirl in circles waiting for me to get her taxi so that she could go to Sheridan. She was a city dog by day but loved being a country dog on the weekend! She knew when we were in Sheridan I wouldn't have to go to school & she could spend quality time with me.

---This brings me to Corkie's travels. She not only traveled to Sheridan, she lived in Colorado for over a year with my mom while I was in college & then Patrick & I picked her up in Salina, Kansas (about halfway point) when Patrick got an apartment so that she could be closer to me. She was such a good traveler & loved the car. She loved being in her pet taxi although on short trips she loved to stick her head out of the window & let the air blow her ears. I always thought it was funny to see a white poodle in Patrick's blue pick-up truck when they would pick up from the KD sorority house. Patrick always felt a little self-conscious with a white poodle!

--When she wasn't traveling in the car, she loved to walk! Whenever my mom or I would put on our shoes, she would start dancing in circles to go outside. She loved going to the park or just around the neighborhood.

---Corkie had some aggression in her younger years (okay a lot). Cockers are very protective of their owners & while others may have misinterpreted her aggression, it really was her love & protection for me & my mom. When she perceived a threat, her first instinct was to sink her teeth into whatever was near, usually a couch cushion or pillow. She would hear a noise at the door & shake the pillows from side to side, back & forth. My mom may have had to replace a few (dozen) which drove my grandmother crazy. When I was a teenager, she would lay in bed with me--my mom would yell from the bathroom "Leslie it's time to get up, school starts in an hour," etc. & just hearing my mom's voice would make Corkie sink her teeth into the sheets. I swear everything I owned had teeth marks. As dad likes to embellish the story, she also sank her teeth into the leather upholstery of his rental car when she saw someone approaching the car which cost him several hundred dollars (the amount goes up every time he tells the story). She did the same in Patrick's truck, too. Unfortunately Patrick's apartment was located right in front of the mailboxes. She would stand on the top of his couch & bite the blinds every time a shadow walked by. We joke that her ferocious barking caused her deafness at the age of 11.

--Every day when I came home from school, the first thing Corkie would do would be to pull my socks off with her teeth & shake them back & forth.

--Corkie loved to dig in the bed. She didn't know a dog was supposed to dig outside! As a puppy we would pile into my mom's bed & she would literally dig for HOURS! She would fall over from digging so much, snort because she couldn't catch her breath, & then start back again. My mom & I would laugh so hard we would cry!

--Corkie loved to eat. She would find anything & everything from gum (wrapper & all) to her favorite--cat food. Corkie tolerated Whiskey's arrival to our family but quickly learned she could train Whiskey. Corkie would literally herd Whiskey into the kitchen to make him eat. His food dish was on top of the chair (so she couldn't reach it). She would stand underneath his chair while he ate, gladly catching the droppings. Yet again another no, no from the vet as cat food is not good for dogs. But she lived off of it for 4 years.

--Corkie loved to lick my tears! When I would cry she would lick my tears. It was probably the salt but I like to think she was comforting me. She was so observant & just knew when I was sad or not feeling well.

--Corkie was present when Patrick proposed. Patrick had to beg the innkeeper at our Eureka Springs bed & breakfast to allow Corkie in.

--My mom's favorite memory straight from her "The thing I remember the most (and the sweetest thing) is when I had breast cancer in 1997. I lost all my hair as a result of chemo. It was winter time and even though I would wear a little stocking cap on my head, my head still got cold. At night I would be lying on the couch watching tv. She would get up on the arm of the couch just behind me and sort of circle my head with her furry body and sleep. It was as if she wanted to be there to comfort me -- and she did. She was a very ,very sweet dog. I know most people did not see that in her because she protected us so fiercely (and could be vicious) but she did it out of love and devotion".

---Corkie had many near-death experiences. That dog was tough! The first wasn't really near-death but my mom & I thought it was! We were walking at Lake Maumelle with my mom's friend who had a big lab. Corkie was just a puppy & thought she was as big as Bronco. Well like labs do, he dove into the lake. There went Corkie right behind him. My mom & I screamed just knowing our little cockapoo would drown & there went her head just bobbing up & down. I screamed "Corkie can swim!". It was so cute. When she swam back to shore, I was so proud & so relieved! And then there was the time Corkie got into a huge chocolate bar. I think it was one of those you sell for school fundraisers. Even though chocolate is deadly for dogs, she survived. She was extremely hyperactive, heart racing, running in circles. Corkie also got loose one day on one of the busiest streets in Arkansas--Markham Street (we lived on the corner). My mom opened the front door & out she ran. My mom darted in traffic to rescue her. And then the groomers...Corkie did not have good luck at the groomer. One of her first appointments, maybe the first was during my soon-to-be-sister-in-law's (Amy) bridal shower. Mom thought it would be best to have Corkie groomed while we hosted the rice bag shower. Mom left towards the end of the shower to pick Corkie up before they closed. A few minutes later, she called Amy & said to bring me to the groomers, that Corkie was missing, had escaped (which was on Cantrell Road another very busy street). Well by the time Amy & I got there to look for her, my mom had found her in the corner of the fenced yard! And then just last year the groomer here cut Corkie with the electric trimmer. Well she didn't bother to call & tell me so by the time I picked her up at 4:30, Corkie had lost lots of blood & had a huge gaping wound. I rushed her to the only vet that was open & she had to have 12 staples plus antibiotics. The vet counted her out. At 18 years old, the vet thought it was quite possibly the end, but she bounced right back. In fact Corkie had been in "kidney failure" for more than 5 years. She could not have her teeth cleaned or be put to sleep because it was too risky. The last time she received her annual shots (I believe in 2006), she collapsed, nearly died, & had to be given a shot to counteract the vaccine because of an allergic reaction. Needless to say she went the last 5 years without vaccines. I guess these near-death experiences made Monday's decision even harder because I was certain that she would bounce back this time, too. The last week had been emotionally & physically draining with her pacing back & forth, not sleeping, & a sick stomach, but I was confident that it was just a phase & that she would pull through.

I pray that I made the right decision on Monday. So many emotions are racing through my head, one of which is guilt. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with her in these final years. Having twins & working full-time did not leave much time for a dog. And given Corkie's condition (not being able to walk, staying in bed all the time), I just felt like I was more of a bother to her, that she preferred to be left alone. The vet was confident she had dementia & she may not have any recognized me in her final months. I feel guilty for leaving for 10 days on a vacation as she was more confused & not the same since we returned. I would give anything to have one more day with her. I pray that she is at peace & that I soon will be at peace with what happened.

I will always love you, Corkie. This is how I will always remember you. My best friend who loved me unconditionally. I hope I was as good to you as you were to me. You will always be in my heart. There will never be another Corkie.